Setting: Kenya
“Where are you from?”
“Kenya”
“Oh! You don’t sound Kenyan.. Which part of Kenya?”
“Umm Mombasa.. Nairobi.. Wait where my parents are from? Or where I have lived?”
“Errr..”
*Conversations gets confusing*
I then go into the history of how I am Kenyan by birth but spend the majority of my childhood in the UK but I am Kenyan through and through.
Setting: UK
“Where are you from?”
“Kenya”
“Oh! You’re accent..”
“Well my parents moved me here when I was 7 years old”
“But you identify as a Kenyan?”
“Yes I do”
“Which part of Kenya?”
“Umm Mombasa.. Nairobi.. Wait where my parents are from? Or where I have lived?”
“Errr..” *Conversations gets confusing*
Until the age of 16, I had never questioned my identity. My identity and my home was always Kenya. Both were deeply intertwined. In fact, they were interchangeable. I was Kenya, and Kenya was me.
This made sense, black people in the UK tie themselves to countries they or their ancestors originated from. I am black so of course I am not British. It’s not where I am really from. I was surprised to find that when I moved back to Kenya when I was 16, people questioned my identity as much as they did in the UK. I have a British accent so I have to be British. I also found that I was disconnected to Kenyan mainstream culture; I was not fluent in Swahili and my knowledge of Kenyan history was limited. It dawned on me that I am not ‘properly’ Kenyan the same way I am not ‘properly’ British. I started battling with the daunting question:
Who am I?
When people ask me which part of Kenya I come from, I do not know what to tell them. I was born in Meru (Eastern province) but my dad is from Kutus (Central province) so I carry a Kikuyu name. I lived in Nairobi when I was little until we moved to the UK when I was 7. But when we returned, moved to Mombasa and my parents set up a ‘home’ for us there. I went to high school in Mombasa and spent a lot of time there during holidays after I moved to Uni. However, I cannot identify with the Swahili culture (Mombasa culture) and I feel more belonging when I go to the capital, Nairobi. The confusing nature of this situation is enough for me to answer the question in one way: Just Kenyan. Obviously this is not a satisfactory response, and they drill me to find out more, and the conversation drags out longer than either parties intended.
For nearly 10 years I have been struggling with my rooted Kenyan identity and in the process, I denounced my British identity. I refused to believe I had a home in the UK because my racial identity could not grapple with it. This was until a friend recommended a podcast that started helping me find answers to the questions I have been searching for. Up/Root is hosted by Lilly Bekele-Piper, an Ethiopian-American who lives in Nairobi Kenya and she often features guests who unpack what they call home and where we find home when you are dealing with multiple identities. Even though her narrative is from an African American perspective, as a ‘Third Culture Kid’ I can relate to a lot of the points that are discussed. She always asks her guests at the end of her show where they consider home and I also try and answer this same question in my head. As I continue listening to each episode, that answer gains more and more clarity.
I have always felt like I lacked stability.
I was uprooted from place to place, always envying those who knew who they were and where they were from. But I am incredibly lucky to have had the privilege of multiple experiences, instead of fitting into a particular box, creating my own semi-global one. To have my identity informed by two extremely different countries has enabled me to be more understanding, open minded and willing to see more of the world.
So who is Immaculate Wambui Koigi? Where is home? Contrary to the 16-year-old me, these questions are mutually exclusive and do not necessarily mean the same thing. Although I am Kenyan, I am also British and I do not have to choose since both cultures have had an influence on the person I am today. The duality of my identity is something I now celebrate, not hide. But home for me is not the UK, nor is it Kenya. Home is where I feel comfortable, where I feel complete and at ease with the people I love and care about. Home can be South Africa or even Sri Lanka. But all in all, home is the people not the place.
Therefore if anyone asks, I am Immaculate Wambui Koigi, a British Kenyan woman and home is where I find love.
1 comment
Lovely piece. This really resonates with me. Identity is complex, layered and often conflicting. Being “black” and of the African and/or Caribbean diaspora is to have an identity with many layers, especially when you add living in Britain to the mix.
This has definitely inspired me to share my own struggles with identity and its complexities for a later blog post.
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