Melanated Thoughts
  • Home
  • About Us
  • A Black Girl’s ABC
  • Hair & Beauty
  • Identity & Culture
  • Life
  • News
    • Education
    • Health
    • News

Melanated Thoughts

  • Home
  • About Us
  • A Black Girl’s ABC
  • Hair & Beauty
  • Identity & Culture
  • Life
  • News
    • Education
    • Health
    • News
Life

POWERLESS

WRITTEN BY Wambui April 18, 2019

What does sexual abuse feel like?

“An Out-of-body Experience. Literally, at that moment, ownership of my body belonged to someone else”.

I was new, in search of company. In search of making friends. In search of fitting in. He so kindly invited me out that night, assured me that, just as friends, we will explore what the city has to offer.

I hesitated, at first.

“He is my colleague, is that appropriate?”

That question constantly ran through my mind.

“You know what, it could be a good night, a good way to get out there and be more fun”.

Be more fun. Be more fun. That’s what I wanted. So reluctantly I said “yes”. A yes I came to regret.

He was a gentleman.

He picked me up

He bought me a drink.

We were cruising down the road, moving further away from town until we were far from home.

Far from what I knew.

Far enough for me to be utterly dependent on him.

“Should I say something? Should I ask why we are going so far? Do I want to know? You know what, I will be fine. I will be safe with him. I have to feel safe with him. ”

As he was driving he put his hand on my thigh, insinuating that he wanted to go further. I said ‘NO’. He stopped and he continued driving.

He started getting too close again, closer than I was comfortable with. “What do I do? If I say something, he might leave me in the middle of nowhere.”

The first of many instances that night I felt powerless. There is no escape here. It is 2am in the morning, there is no public transport, there are no street lights. Just darkness.

He did not take my “no” seriously. Countless times I said “I do not want to do this” until I got tired. I stopped fighting him and I stopped fighting myself.

“Just let it happen, he’ll stop insisting and will take you home”

Powerless

Dirty

Ashamed

Disrespected

Unloved

I felt like I had no agency over my body. Someone dictated how it should be treated and what it should be used for. I felt guilty. I have a duty to protect myself, but I failed. Why did he make me feel unsafe? Make me feel like my ‘no’ meant nothing? And lastly, why did I only blame myself? I could not tell anyone. I chose to go out with him at night, so I should have known what was coming.

He was a colleague, “no one will believe me”. I stayed silent until now.

I had to relearn to love myself, love my body and forgive myself.

I had to learn how to be assertive and follow my instincts, and not expect the good in everyone.

I had to learn that no one should control my body and “no” should be respected

I also had to learn that not everyone takes a person’s “no” seriously.

There is importance in sharing your story and if someone makes you feel unsafe, you are validated to feel that way. Sexual assault is not your fault nor will it ever be your fault. Coming to terms with trauma is one of the hardest things someone can do but it is probably the only way it can save you. Speak to someone, share your story and inspire others to do the same.

For more information on how you can get support for sexual abuse or assault, please visit Mind.

 

 

adviceconsentlifepowerlesssexual abusesupportviolence
1 comment
1
Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
Wambui

Learning to live my best life by being the best I can be everyday.

previous post
Black in Berlin
next post
I Quit

You may also like

February is for Friendship

February 29, 2020

Unpacking

December 31, 2019

Black in Berlin

April 11, 2019

What Black History Month means to me (Part...

November 12, 2018

Surviving the Lockdown Period.

July 1, 2020

I Quit

May 4, 2019

The End of a Chapter

January 22, 2020

National Mental Health Day

October 10, 2019

B**** Don’t Kill my Vibe

September 22, 2019

January 2019

February 1, 2019

1 comment

Jamila June 23, 2019 - 10:18 pm

Powerful.
Thank-you for sharing an experience so deep. Whilst I do not wish the experience on anyone, I hope that if it does resonate with someone, it gives them strength.

x

Reply

Leave a Comment Cancel Reply

About Us

About Us

Hi, It's Us

Melanated Thoughts is a platform which celebrates the "black" community, natural hair and beauty, and the self-empowerment of "black" people.

Read More

Keep in touch

Facebook Twitter Instagram

Quote

Empowered Women, Empower Women

Follow Me

Melanated Thoughts

SUBSCRIBE NEWSLETTER

Join our community.

Popular Posts

  • 1

    The Power of Representation – Black Panther Review 

    April 26, 2018
  • 2

    January 2019

    February 1, 2019
  • 3

    Dear Nairobi

    November 10, 2018

Categories

  • A Black Girl's ABC (5)
  • Education (5)
  • Hair & Beauty (1)
  • Health (9)
  • Identity & Culture (10)
  • Life (20)
  • News (4)

Advert

© 2018 Melanated Thoughts .Designed With ❤ By 🇬🇭KliKx Designs🇮🇹


Back To Top