My plan had been to write a Dear 2018 piece. About all the things I had learnt last year, and how I was going to make a change this year.
Blah blah blah.
It turns out that I hadn’t really learnt much in 2018, or rather, I did learn a lot but hadn’t really done the work in order to make he necessary changes for 2019.
The year of January 2019 has shown me more than my eyes could possibly want to see. There was no New Year, New Me but rather, New Year, Same Me, Same Situations, Same problems, Same Space.
Nothing changed because NOTHING CHANGED. The same things that gave me stress in 2018, and probably every New Year before that, were still prevalent as I came into 2019.
Now, you may be thinking If you know all of this, why haven’t you done anything about it?
Well, to answer your question:
- Hindsight is a Bitch
- I need to see things through, and finish what I started.
So the difference for me, on the 1st February 2019, is I’ve accepted defeat.
I’ve accepted that some stuff, people, work is not for me. And it’s okay to walk away from it all.
I can walk away from employers, friends, family, relationships and situations that are not working for me. Whether this departure is momentary, or permanent, I’m well within my rights.
I’ve decided to prioritise my own Mental Health and not sacrifice it for others.
I’ve decided to be myself and not this person I’ve been pretending to be for far too long.
Not the person others want me to be.
Not the person my parents want me to be.
Not the person that appears to be together.
I’m so tired of the same old shit. The same old negative narratives that perpetuate my life. I’m done.
When I tell you, You always know when/if something is not truly for you, BELIEVE ME. When things fall apart in relationships, friendships, work etc, and you look back at the signs, you will never be surprised. You will say, It all makes sense now.
2019, this year, I will rip my life apart and start it from scratch.
I will cut the strings and ties holding useless relationships together.
I will change my space, even if it means leaving people and places behind.
I will stop holding onto jobs for the payslip and start working for me, and for what brings me fulfilment.
No apologies for the lack of coherence or clearly structured writing LOL. These are my thoughts as they came to me. I hope this resonates with someone who wants to see some change this year.
The year officially begins today for me so,
Happy New Year!