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A Black Girl’s ABC

A Black Girl's ABCHealthLife

S is for September

WRITTEN BY Jamila

Happy New Month, Happy September!!!

September for me always represents a new start.
It marks the end of summer and in education, the new academic year begins in September marking an opportunity to learn something new.

This September, I have been working on self love, self care, growth and new patterns of behaviour. My mindset is that the end of the year is 4 months away and so, I’m going to make it count for something.

Self Love
The meaning of self love for me is layered. I want to allow myself to be myself, unapologetically. I want to love myself more than I love others. I want to be so secure in myself that my boat is not rocked by the waves of other people’s emotions, thoughts or opinions. I want to allow myself to enjoy and to be happy. I want to eradicate self sabotage and to not be so hard on myself.

Self Care
The meaning of self care for me is looking after my mental health, my spirit and my body. This consists of weekly therapy sessions to get more insight into myself and to help unlearn poor patterns of behaviour. Self care also entails caring for myself in all areas of my life: work, family and other relationships. That said, I’ll be doing simple things such as not staying late at work every day. If I get in early, I’m leaving more or less on time. If I get in on time, I’ll stay behind if needed. I will not let work kill me because that we impact my teaching, and my relationship with students and colleagues. Staying consistent with the gym is also part of my self care plan: getting those lifts in, keep those weights heavy and my squats low.

Come through Meg the Stallion knees 


Growth
The meaning of growth for me is not hindering my own progress – Self Sabotage. I’ve also started a new job this month and so, professional development is key. Not repeating the same mistakes in different areas in my life and learning how to do things better.

New Patterns of Behaviour
The meaning of new patterns for behaviour is similar to that of Self Care and Growth. By doing the work on self care, it will enable me to grow and thus learn new patterns of behaviour that are more healthy and positive in my life. So no more impulsive decisions which of recently been my thing, Normally, I am quite balanced and rational, calculated even. But this year, has shown me that making decisions on temporary emotions can be P-R-O-B-L-E-M-A-T-I-C. So, no more of that.

So that’s me.

These are some of the goals and the thoughts I have for this September and the rest of year. As the months transpire, I think I will be able to flesh out these thoughts more which will also help me with reflecting on myself as my birthday comes in and as 2019 eventually draws to a close

What are your goals, what are your thoughts?

Happy September.

September 12, 2019 0 comment
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A Black Girl's ABCHealth

F is for Functional Depression

WRITTEN BY Jamila

 

Me too.


A few weeks ago, a close friend tweeted this.

As I scrolled through my timeline, I stumbled on the tweet and thought “Yeah, this one’s for me”. If you know me and know me well, you’ll know I believe in signs. For months, I’d been battling with my own mental and physical health but couldn’t pinpoint what the issue was. And it didn’t matter (and has never mattered) how low I felt in my life, how many things were bothering me or if I’d had 1 hours sleep; I got up, I showed up and I got things done. But at what cost?

Reading my friend’s tweet, it really hit me. I’d been struggling to express my feelings and the kind of space I was in for a long time. But because I look fine and function well enough to get by day to day (going to work, washing myself,  etc). people assume there’s nothing wrong,  I’m just in a “bad mood” or that someone out there has it worse than me so I should not be complaining.

                                 Functional Depression sums up the space I have been in, in recent months.

High Functioning Depression, whilst not a clinical diagnosis, can be characterised as having as having anxiety, low mood and low energy. Those who “suffer” with this tend to be people who are determined to get on with things, not ask or seek help, and still tend to be high achieving or successful – i.e. they appear to be doing well for themselves and so, do not appear to be stereotypically “depressed”.

Now, I’m no doctor or medical expert or practitioner. This is simply my understanding of the term and I am thus not seeking to diagnose anyone. But for me, this understanding of Functional Depression rings true. I can get on with things and continue on without quitting even if internally I’m having an actual meltdown. And of recently, I have actually been throwing in the towel because the pressure, stress and anxiety had actually gotten too much. But now that I’ve acknowledged it, I know it is not sustainable or healthy. Saying no, quitting a job, cancelling an event and/or taking a break is not weak or a sign of giving up. Telling people to back off, to leave you to it and to allow you to come to your decisions is not rude or dismissive. It is about setting boundaries and knowing your limits.

                                Know your limits, know your boundaries, know what you are willing and able to do.

Now that I’ve acknowledged the patterns in my behaviour and how I feel in particular spaces, I’ve tried to make some changes:

• I moved out of my family home and actively giving myself space.
• I quit my job without having found a new one, encouraging myself to find somewhere better.
• I say “No” a lot more. I don’t force myself into things for other people.
• I also say “Yes” to things too, trying not to shy away from things due to anxiety and overthinking social situations.
• I constantly remind myself of my plans and goals. In doing so, I keep myself on track even when I’m feeling down.
• I allow myself to have down days, but not allowing the negativity to prolong.
• I maintain doing things I enjoy – gym, reading, blogging etc.
• I accept I can do anything but not everything at once. And that’s okay.

These are just some of the things I’ve done and acknowledged to improve my feelings of depression. Whilst I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental health concerns, I think that it is possible to go through periods of depression and anxiety at certain points in our lives. Now, I haven’t offered any quick fixes or medical advice, just simply things that have worked for me and will hopefully be helpful for others.

Your mental health and state of wellbeing is important.

Self love before all other love.

July 29, 2019 0 comment
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A Black Girl's ABCEducation

B is For Bad Education

WRITTEN BY Jamila

The British education system is inherently colonial, perpetuating eurocentric histories in order to uphold the “Great” Britain ideal.

The eurocentric curriculum masks and suppresses the histories of minoritised groups, whose histories are inherently intertwined with British history. It is thus no wonder, for example, that African, Caribbean and Asian histories, writers, musicians, scientists, sociologists etc. are not regular features in the British curriculum. And when they are featured, they are marginal and not the focal point of the teaching. In history (the focus of this blog), we teach the Transatlantic Slave Trade and the narrative that Africans sold themselves into slavery and Christian Abolitionists “freed” them from enslavement – simplifying a complex history, negating the legacy of trauma, dislocation and violence. This is an example of the curriculum masking Britain’s history of racism. The failure of our education system to provide an accurate – or rather, honest – depiction of minoritised histories that interlink with British history suggests (to me), that the current curriculum, and education system as a whole, is failing our black children. And whilst many of us can acknowledge this, and even link this to wider systemic racisms in British society, until we start to provide solutions, these conversations remain merely conversations; providing no real change.

 

 

 

Problems within Education
The curriculum is just one problem. Schools, universities and colleges are microcosms, reproducing social hierarchies, stereotyping and, racial and gendered discourses which exist in wider society.

Gov.uk statistics highlight the disproportionate exclusion of black students in comparison to their white counterparts in the UK, noting that Black Caribbean pupils were permanently excluded at 3 times the rate of White British pupils in 2015/2016. The data also shows that the exclusion rate of White/Black Caribbean Mixed pupils is particularly high, especially in primary school. According to the statistics, amongst broad ethnic or minoritised groups, Mixed and Black pupils had the highest rates of temporary exclusions. These striking numbers, coupled with the fact that 60% of our prison population were excluded in school, illustrates there is a serious problem. The education system is producing our prison population reinforcing the idea that these institutions, such as education, are microcosms of wider society.

Postcolonial Melancholia and the Black Esteem
There are many reasons for the disproportionate reputation of black pupils in exclusion statistics – and subsequently, the criminal justice system. Some racists would argue that black people are simply an inherently more badly behaved, delinquent and criminal ethnic group than others however, such arguments are rooted in early formations of racisms stemming from the Enlightenment Period and the construction of racial categories (i.e. human categories) based on “biology”.

As aforementioned, a more plausible reason educational disparities is the intrinsically colonial education system; perpetuating racist discourses and reinforcing the “British Values” agenda. In his stimulating, and still widely relevant, book There Ain’t No Black in the Union Jack: The Cultural Politics of Race and Nation (1987), Paul Gilroy begins to explore the British experience of imperial nostalgia, postcolonial melancholia, and convivial living. He discusses the idea of Britain’s yearning for this “Great Britain”, this lost utopian, empire that no longer exists. Whilst this seems like a random academic reference, I would argue that it is through the eurocentric, British education and curriculum that Britain endeavours to reclaim the Great British narrative. Here, Postcolonial Melancholia is an intrinsic element in the construction of education and curriculum. Such a focus on British history, with a marginalisation of “other” histories, does little to empower black youths. With little focus on historical figures such as Nanny of the Maroons, Marcus Garvey, Langston Hughes and Maya Angelou, it is no wonder there is a sense of disempowerment and disconnect with our young people.

Additionally, the simultaneous way in which teachers and more generally, teaching practice, chip away at the black esteem is another reason for the statistics presented by Gov.uk. The Black Esteem, put simply, is “racial esteem” – how we view ourselves as “black people”. It is produced through education, interracial contact, and ideological processes (Houston 1984). In education, there is an “unconscious bias” against black students. Black pupils are more harshly punished for behaviours that other students are not. It is argued that this racial stereotyping is unconsciously produced by teachers and thus, they themselves are not racist. However, the “unconscious bias” argument is problematic, as it puts the emphasis on the individual – i.e. the teacher. Yes, individuals are psychology and mentally projecting racism onto young people however, this approach is not good for anti-racist reform because individuals (teachers) perpetuate the racist discourses which exist within wider society – hence, my earlier point that education institutions are microcosms of wider society. Racism is not about individual racist actions but a system of oppression thus, “unconscious” racial stereotyping by teachers is inherent in teaching practice and part of wider racial issues.

Emotion vs. Reason                                                                                                                               

Teachers force black students to split between reason and emotion. Again, stemming from the Enlightenment period, reason is associated with knowledge, academia and respectability (and white people) whereas, emotion is associated with irrationality, primitivity and simple mindedness. This is problematic because emotion is stereotypically related to “non-white” people linking non-white people to notions of aggression, poor behaviour and being unreasonable. If we take this and apply it to teaching practice, it is no wonder that black students are more harshly punished and have a higher exclusion rate than other groups – because their behaviour is racialised, irrespective of whether this is unconscious or conscious. Knowledge is performative, and as a result, students have to perform knowledge in a way that can be recognised by the education system reasonable. This illustrates another example of how the education fails out young black people – through stereotyping which often leads to self-fulfilling prophecy.

Finish                                                                                                                                                               

The parameters of educational success are different for different groups. It has been highlighted that all ethnic minority groups are less likely to get a 2:1 or 1st at university and black people in the UK are 21 times more likely to have university applications investigated (The Independent) illustrating the existence of some barriers to success.

Whilst this article is quite short and I’ve kind of touched on a few different things, in various amounts of detail, the point is that we are receiving a Bad Education – both in terms of curriculum and teaching practice/education systems. It is vital that we understand the systems in place which disenfranchise us and how, and why, these systems function the way they do. And once we have this knowledge, we can begin to think about decolonising education* and navigating the system.

By Jamila Ayesha 

*I will discuss ideas for Decolonising Education in a later blog 😊

August 2, 2018 2 comments
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A Black Girl's ABC

A is For Attitude

WRITTEN BY Melanated Thoughts

Attitude; a word I believe we use more than what is necessary in society. I would go as far as to say that “attitude” has been deployed as a racialised term to characterise black African and Caribbean women in social discourse.  When a “black” woman is positioned and characterised as having an attitude, she is then devoid of all other human emotion. Having an attitude becomes the universal lens in which her behavior, actions, feelings and emotions are understood.

As a Sociology student at the London School of Economics (LSE), I remember visiting my French professor (I took a French module in 1st year) to discuss my grades, which I thought were quite low and did not reflect the work I produced. Honestly, I was quite disappointed that my first assignments were not all going well at uni. I was concerned that I had low grades – as I did not go to university to fail – and disappointed that my work didn’t seem to be up to the “LSE standard”. Needless to say, I was met with some resistance and negativity from professor when I raised my concerns. I was told that I had an attitude and maybe if I didn’t have an attitude, I’d do better. Wow.

This encounter, quite early on in my university experience let me know what I would be up against for the remaining three years. Given that I was pretty quiet in class, I was pretty stunned by the way in which the word “attitude” was flung into the conversation as a means to justify a wrong (my grades) and move away from the real issue at hand (my grades). It was clear that there was little I could do in the situation, so I took it on the chin, and aimed to work a little bit harder to see of my grades improved – there wasn’t much change. I remember later in the year, when we were discussing identity as a class (in French) and I described myself as British (Je suis  Britannique) as opposed to English (Je suis Anglais) and the same professor shut my narrative down and told me I was English. Now, I do not “claim” Britishness or Englishness however, in this context, I had to explain how it works in England and the fact that black people and other minoritised groups are not even considered English – hence, Je suis Britannique. Again, I was met with the “attitude” rhetoric for simply explaining identity politics in Britain.

As the only black student in the class, it felt as though any point I raised, any issue I pointed out, was met with this discourse around my attitude as a black woman.

The London School of Economics and Political Science, like most institutions, is a microcosm for wider society. The black girl with an attitude rhetoric is prevalent within wider social discourses in society and stems from the historical racialisation of black women. Any point or issue we raise, which is opposed, is met with this discourse around the attitude of the black woman. And if we raise a point that mainstream society agrees with, it is only fact when someone else comes up with the same idea.

Now, what I am not saying is that black women cannot and do not possess attitudes because if you look at the definition of the word, an attitude can be defined as a point of view, a feeling or a way of thinking, and does not have to used negatively to depict uncooperative behaviour. By this definition, an attitude is a human characteristic which should not be racialised. The constant misuse of a word or label for a particular group of people distorts our understanding of the word, depriving the group of being anything but that label.

The problem is definitely a racial problem, evident within mainstream discourses – such as those within the media. However, within the “black community”, both men and women help to co-construct the “angry black woman” narrative by berating and problematising, often dark-skinned, black women, reinforcing the racism already inherent in the system. Thus, reproducing racisms. For example, there are people close to me who perceive my disagreement with their point as me having an attitude. In actuality, I merely have an opinion of my own which differs from theirs.

According to society, black women cannot be passionate; we can only be angry and have attitudes.

Certainly, there are moments where our emotions get the better of us and we have to focus that energy in a positive way however, brushing these emotions off as attitude removes the opportunity for black women to deal with the actual, real, existing feelings which may be reflected/projected as attitude.

If black women are not afforded the opportunity to feel and express their emotions without being pathologised as angry black women or WWAs (Women With Attitudes), I struggle then to understand how a black woman would have anything other than an attitude if society continues to shame her for emotions we all experience and express.

So shame on my university professors, old employers, family members, boyfriends etc. for overusing and misusing the word attitude.

I am human.
Sometimes I laugh, cry, shout and scream.
Sometimes I am happy, sad, angry and passionate.
But what I am not, is an angry black woman with an attitude.

Jamila Ayesha

@__jamilaaeysha

@JamilaAyesha

April 23, 2018 0 comment
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